Can One Even BE Douchier?

Cynthia Davis, a state representative from (shocker) Missouri, opposes subsidizing school lunches for low-income children because, and I quote, “[h]unger can be a positive motivator.”

She continues, suggesting that if kids just get jobs at McDonald’s then they will receive free food on their break.

I pretty much hope that the 20% of children considered hungry in Missouri go and eat her.

Ms. Davis neglected to mention when her hunger strike will begin so she can get motivated to resolve the hunger issue in her state. She also avoided the question of how she manages to sleep at night.

Colbert is amazing, as per usual:

Customers Suck

Okay, I understand people find the holiday season stressful. I also understand that people find the prospect of being snowed in stressful.

However, this does not mean you can throw a shopping basket at me when I tell you that the Transformers DVD that is on sale today (or, rather, Saturday when this happened) will not be on sale tomorrow, even if you put it on hold at guest services.

Yes, I’m serious. A “guest” threw a shopping basket at me because he was supposedly freaking out whilst trying to find provisions, but apparently had enough time to pick out a Transformers DVD set.

Everybody is freaking out because they think they’re going to lose power. Everybody is foraging for food. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.

After I told him he wouldn’t get the sales price, he started going off and spewing a bunch of nonsensical bullshit:

1. “I’ve been living here for 30 years and…” (So what? My store hasn’t even been there for 35 years.)
2. “I’m ex-military and…” (Is that a threat?)
3. “I’ve been to three stores trying to get provisions and I don’t need this right now!” (Dude, you’re buying ping pong balls. How is that helping your search?)

Then he threw the basket at me. I backed up into the corner of my little register section and he began yelling at me to not freak out on him because he “doesn’t need this right now.”

I informed him he couldn’t attack me and that pissed him off. He said he wasn’t attacking me, to get better customer service skills, and that his generation had to deal with “it” and so I have to as well.

Excuse me? Your generation wasn’t typically known for throwing things at shop girls.

After I give him his receipt and run away, I get sort of freaked out. When someone’s in my face, I don’t really back down. I finally found my manager, who I normally hate, and she went over with security and kicked him out of the store.

This is where it got interesting: He started rambling about being ex-military and war and some incident in Germany and whatnot.

Here’s the thing: he was only about 35, max. There is no way he was ever in a war in Germany. And again I say, so what? What does Germany have to do with throwing a basket at me?

Bastard.

Let It Snow

Today is my great-grandmother’s 100th birthday!

We were going to have a huge party today, but due to Snowpocalypse ‘08, nobody from out of state can get here and most people in-state (including my family!) are stranded as well. Plus she (the birthday girl!) has a terribly unfortunate cold.

My aunt doesn’t want to deal with weather issues again so she wants to postpone until February.

Now, my great-grandma might be healthier than the rest of my family combined…but 100 is really effing old. You cannot postpone someone’s birthday party for two months–especially if they are into the triple digits.

My uncle is going off about how he’s never planning a birthday in December ever again. Because we get actual snow every five years or so? Seriously?

He’s even angry that she “decided” to get sick. Really? She decided to get sick? That’s a new one.

I love my uncle, but needless to say, he can be a bit of a self-centered bastard. My mom showed great restraint in not strangling him over the phone when she heard that.

What Moron is Head of Marketing?

The only thing meaner than Hanukkah ham is Ramadan ham.

Sign-Up for Free Wiretapping Today, Courtesy of the US Government!

I’m fairly sure that by having these people send George W. Bush a copy of the US Constitution on my behalf, I just signed up for free (warrantless, unconstitutional) government wiretapping. The Patriot Act is fantastic¹. I’m also probably on the no-fly list. I’m going to have to swim to the UK and figure out that ocean thing later².

It’s probably sad how much I wish I was joking.

Someone should remind me to stop talking on my mobile about how much I want to 1) take over the government, 2) offer Bush a peanut just to see if the Secret Service will shoot me for attempted assassination³, and/or 3) steal Ned from Pushing Daisies and have him a) make me some pie, and b) reawaken the founding fathers so they can smack about idiots in the government. Because witnessing Bush getting taught a lesson in civil liberties by really, really dead guys is the kind of hilarious you can’t buy on television.

On an ‘eat your brain’ note, I’m definitely going to write that how-to guide to zombie survival. It’ll probably be a series of posts, actually. I’ve been watching loads of zombie movies to get ready and hone my zombie fighting skills.

Any particular aspect of zombie survival you’d like to see first? And should I tell everyone else in my house that their conversations are no longer private?

1. And by ‘fantastic’, I mean ‘completely against everything on which the US was founded’. ↩
2. Do they allow pedestrian swimmers through the Panama Canal? ↩
3. Chewing, among many other things, is an apparent mystery to George W. Bush. ↩

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