When Creepers Attack

Yesterday my day was invaded by many, many creepers. Being the creeper magnet that I am, I should not be shocked by this and yet I always am.

Yesterday I went to the mall with my friend, Kari, to have conveyor belt sushi (at a restaurant next to the mall) and go to a movie. I’d never had sushi before and I loved it. :D I’m excited to go again!

After we left the sushi restaurant and actually entered the mall, we still had a couple hours to kill before our movie started so we headed for the Apple Store so I could check out the new 27″ iMac¹.

On our way, a crazy kiosk man comes at us from the side, shoves dixie cups containing a mysterious melon-colored liquid into our hands, and commands us to drink. He kept promising there wasn’t tequila in it².

And you know what we did?

WE DRANK IT. Our only excuse was that we were frightened of the crazy kiosk man who kept talking about tequila and how he bites his nails. He also demanded we come over to his kiosk (no idea which one it was!) and let him perform an unnamed “procedure” which would only take 50 seconds. At this point, I inch around and hide behind Kari. We decline his offer about 8 times and declare we have a movie to catch and then make a break for it.

The fact that the movie didn’t start for over two hours? Minor detail.

The first thing we both do, as soon as we reach our Apple Store refuge, is pull out our phones and tweet that shit so fast. You know you’re a little addicted when… </nerds>

We’ve decided that side of the mall is dead to us now. We can never return.

Then we saw Cirque du Freak which wasn’t as bad as I was expecting! Despite its flaws, I actually enjoyed it–it was funny. However, I have never seen a movie filled with so many damn creepers in it. And everybody just went along with the creepers, without mentioning the fact that they were clearly the creepiest creepers who ever creeped!

And on the way home, Kari and I were convinced the bus driver was going to kill us all. The PA system crackled and in a super-creepy and wheezy voice, informed us that the bus was past Tukwila Boulevard or something. Then he kept randomly stopping the bus on the side of the road for a few moments in random, completely dark areas and we kept having these “Oh my God, where the hell are we? Are we going to die?!!” moments every time it happened. I kept seeing a stereotypical horror movie play out in my head. The driver would slowly get up from his seat and turn to face the passengers. Perhaps a large scar would grace his face. And then we’d all effing die and that would be the beginning of the horror film. We’d be dead before the title even showed.

He also blew right past a group of teenage girls standing at the bus stop despite the fact that bus is the only bus that stops at that stop. It may have been the luckiest thing that ever happened to him because I’m surprised I made it out of there alive.

1. I’m trying to decide between a brand new 27″ iMac (the one with the 2.8GHz i7 processor) and a refurbished MacBook Pro (17″, antiglare, 3.06GHz Core 2 Duo) and wasn’t sure if a 27″ screen is too huge for the space I have. Another post is in the works about this. ↩
2. Klaus (aka Ambs) says: ………….. if someone’s like “THERE IS NO TEQUILA,” that means there is rum. ↩

This Week Was Awesome Because… (Vol. 1.2)

1. On Sunday, I saw Rufus Wainwright live with my mom and it was amazingcakes. He’s a million times better live, he’s also hilarious, and if we were not both gay, he would be my husband.

2. I researched and wrote my entire first draft of my research paper on Wednesday because the first draft was due THURSDAY. It was supposed to be 12-15 pages long. I wrote 14.

   Showed up to class on Thursday and was the only person who had written more than seven pages. Sigh.

3. Yesterday I spent an hour on Omegle, trying to see if anybody on there WASN’T a creeper. I had a few epic exchanges. As I may make a more extensive post here with more, here’s a small preview:

   You: Do you like goldfish?
   Stranger: yeah
   You: Aren’t they delicious?
   Your conversational partner has disconnected.

   Stranger: show me yo titties
   You: Do you have a problem with man boobs?
   Your conversational partner has disconnected.

   Stranger: up for cam sex
   You: Grandma?!!!
   Your conversational partner has disconnected.

   Stranger: hey
   You: Are you a creeper?
   Stranger: yes i am
   Stranger: sorry
   You: Thanks for admitting it.

4. Yesterday I was standing on the bus and, of course, all of the bondage and escort ads fell out of the newspaper¹ I was holding and fell on an old woman’s head. She looked very dismayed that a whole lot of transvestite hooker ass had just rained down upon her face. D:

5. I just noticed that I get a lot of DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS GAY and nip slip spam on this blog, for some reason. Sometimes going through my Askimet filter gives me serious lulz.

   Also, related to spam, why this week is NOTSOME: Tila Tequila porn spam. D:

1. My fellow Seattle people will not be shocked to hear it was The Stranger, a free weekly paper with copious amounts of picture-ridden escort ads. ↩

I Think It Says Something About Me That I Immediately Went to the Internets for Help Instead of Finding Out What Was Going On

Um. There is a crazy man I’ve never seen before in my life in my yard with a chainsaw.

And my pear tree is missing.

Update:

Um. So. Apparently my dad¹ hates pears.

So he found a hobo on the street.

Handed him a chainsaw.

And was like, “Hey, man, go to town. Also, have some bacon.”

And now the man with the chainsaw is screaming, “YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!” every time he revs that shit up.

It sounds like an episode of CSI: Miami up in this bitch.

I wish my life was boring.

1. I get my GENES from this man. How freaking scary is that? ↩

Can One Even BE Douchier?

Cynthia Davis, a state representative from (shocker) Missouri, opposes subsidizing school lunches for low-income children because, and I quote, “[h]unger can be a positive motivator.”

She continues, suggesting that if kids just get jobs at McDonald’s then they will receive free food on their break.

I pretty much hope that the 20% of children considered hungry in Missouri go and eat her.

Ms. Davis neglected to mention when her hunger strike will begin so she can get motivated to resolve the hunger issue in her state. She also avoided the question of how she manages to sleep at night.

Colbert is amazing, as per usual:

Not Dead, Not New, Just Improved

Crazy would be how I would describe these past few months. I made a lot of large, sudden, life-changing decisions.

After taking nearly two years off, I decided one day to go back to school starting almost immediately afterwards. The professor that was rumored to bring cookies every Friday? He did. He was also the best English teacher I’ve ever had.

In early or mid-June I decided to move away from home (and Seattle) for the first time to Bellingham, Washington…two weeks later. Where I knew no one. On June 22nd I made that move. I’m going to Western Washington University for summer quarter. I intend on fully transferring for winter quarter. The elementary education program here is awesome.

It’s been a little scary, but awesome. Sometimes you just have to do something crazy to get your life in order, I think.

I hope to be posting here more–for real this time.

Stuff I need to do:

• Redesign donut.nu
• Update WordPress
• Find and install a good plugin for comment threads
• Update my ‘about me’ pages–much as changed

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