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One thing that drives me absolutely batshit when combing through housing ads is the discrepancy between actual useful information prospective renters actually want and what actually ends up in the ads. It annoyed me so much that I made an angry list about it.

That will show ‘em.

What I’m looking for when I read housing ads

1) Information about the current residents and their partying and/or drug-consuming habits.

Look, I want some warning if I’m going to come home to the cops raiding my house or find an exceptionally drunk college freshman pawing through my closet. You need to be upfront about that shit.

Also, if you’re habitual gaybashers or spend a lot of time having your mom bail you out of jail, I’d like to know that as well.

2) General location of the house/apartment.

First of all: Seattle is a big place with many different neighborhoods. Living in certain neighborhoods can make your public transportation life living hell.

I know this because I spent years having to catch the bus at 6:30 AM to get to my 8:30 AM class even though my college was less than seven miles away from my house. In other words, I spent four hours on the bus or waiting for buses to spend three hours in class every day. Given my tendency to attract epic creepers and crazy women that like to spend forty-five minutes sharing with me the names they have for each individual dreadlock attached to their skull. I’ll never forget you, Testimony. You were my favorite.

It’s also awesome emailing about a listing only to find that someone decided it was relevant to post room openings for Hong Kong in the Seattle section. Yeah, you’re really reaching your target audience there.

3) Information about the living space.

When you said “room available” did you actually mean “You’ll be sleeping in a cupboard under the stairs”? Will I be sharing a room with a crack fiend or just a bathroom?

4) How much are utilities and other monthly expenses?

I love when the cheap rent sounds great and then you find out that they spend 250 dollars every month so they can have 1800 channels–many captionless in languages no one in the house actually speaks.

5) When is the room available? When does the lease end? Do you require a deposit and if so, how much?

You know. Minor details such as…how long before my ass needs to find another place to schlep all my shit to?

What’s actually in housing ads

1) Information about the “rad dumpsters nearby” for prime dumpster-diving opportunities.

What I find moderately disturbing is the sheer amount of Craigslist ads that actually list this.

2) Information about their plots of world domination politics.

From a recent Craigslist ad:

[L]ooking to start infoshop in basement and work with the community to find ways to topple oppressive systems.

Look. I like plotting to overthrow the oppressive power structures in my spare time as much as the next girl, but I just want a place to store my shit, cook, and sleep. I’m not looking for a revolution in Craigslist housing ads, okay. Particularly not when you’re only advertising a one-month sublet.

3) Endless paragraphs about their cats.

Information I want about your kitties:

A) Can I cuddle it?

B) Can it eat a tiny ice cream cone while wearing a tiny hat?

So, my female sim is having freaking triplets, right?

While she’s in labor, her husband is running about like his hair is on fire, completely flipping out.

And then goes and gets himself some leftover apple cobbler, surveying the debacle from the kitchen table.

All the while his wife is still dropping babies all over the g-ddamn place.

And then, after the whole ordeal is over, he has the nerve to complain that HE is tired.

So I killed him.

Cynthia Davis, a state representative from (shocker) Missouri, opposes subsidizing school lunches for low-income children because, and I quote, “[h]unger can be a positive motivator.”

She continues, suggesting that if kids just get jobs at McDonald’s then they will receive free food on their break.

I pretty much hope that the 20% of children considered hungry in Missouri go and eat her.

Ms. Davis neglected to mention when her hunger strike will begin so she can get motivated to resolve the hunger issue in her state. She also avoided the question of how she manages to sleep at night.

Colbert is amazing, as per usual: