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The films have been telling about the inevitable for years. One day you will probably be forced to fight for your life during a zombie outbreak. A lot of what tactics will be necessary depends on what stage the outbreak is and what, if any, enforcements are called in by the government.

Don’t be fooled: the government probably can’t protect you. They will be underprepared, undersupplied, and understaffed. In the case of a Stage II or III zombie outbreak, the person in charge of your country’s emergency management service will probably be sacked or pressured into “early retirement” or resignation by the public and his or her superiors for his failure to contain and properly manage the outbreak.

In the case of a Stage IV outbreak, the people behind emergency management will be dead, undead, or hiding in Antarctica.

Stage I Outbreak

Characteristics: Usually contained in small developing nations or rural areas of developed nations. Small number of zombies. Relatively small amount of human casualties. Civilian response expected. Law enforcement response possible. Government cover-up and media blackout likely. Maximum duration of two weeks. Your town may become the next Roswell, only with zombies.

General Advice: Option One: Leave town. Option Two: Sit tight. Gather weapons. Reinforce your doors and windows. Do not leave your home. Wait it out. Should it progress, consult the Stage II section.

Stage II Outbreak

Characteristics: Urban areas and rural areas with higher population density at risk. Less populated rural areas also at risk for large, sprawling outbreak covering a couple hundred kilometres. More than 100 zombies. Several hundred human casualties possible. Low-level military response expected. Government cover-up difficult. Media blackout unlikely, but possible. Duration up to a month or so.

General Advice: Get away from infected area. Go on holiday. Avoid islands.

Stage III Outbreak

Characteristics: Thousands of undead. Initial widespread panic. Riots and looting expected. State of emergency will be declared. Infected zone will be quarantined. Large-scale military response definite. Curfew, rations, and other restrictions probable. Government cover-up and media blackout impossible, unless they are dead. Duration could be several months.

General Advice: Join or create a group. Loot the markets for non-perishable foodstuffs and the last chocolates you may ever see before others get to them first. Stock up on petrol and ammunition. Reinforce your zombie shelter. Be prepared for government-led action to fail or for advance to a Stage IV outbreak.

Stage IV Outbreak

Characteristics: Total destruction. Billions of human casualties. Undead outnumber humans. Governments will disintegrate. Bands of surviving civilians will be only form of militia. Extinction of humanity likely. Indefinite duration.

General Advice: Stick with your group. Find uniquely skilled survivors to add to your team. Fortify your shelter for long-term. Plan on rebuilding society should you survive.

Part two of the guide will cover necessary skills and be more guide-like.

Today I have a trilogy blog in five parts¹.

Part I: Seven Five Things You [Probably] Didn’t [Want] Know About Me

Chanel tagged me for this a while back, but it took me a while to think of seven things.

Actually, it took me so long to think of seven things that there are only five things.

1. I have a lip piercing (more specifically, a ‘Monroe’ piercing). I got it in August. To clear things up: I’m too old to rebel against my parents, society doesn’t really care if I pierce my face. It’s cute. My mom hates looking at my face now, but that might stem from the fact that I just turned up with a shiny new piercing on the same day my brother got his eyebrow done; now he’s addicted. No, we didn’t plan it. Just a coincidence.
2. I was once voted Least Likely to Be Murdered by a group of friends. Perhaps this will help in my Zombie Survival Guide (see Part II).
3. I’ve recently been informed by someone who has much more money than I do, that it’s sad that the only designer item I’ve ever owned are glasses² Who has money for designer clothes? Optical insurance covered all but US$20 of my glasses. Is there someone who will pay for 90% of my clothes³ too?
4. I love listening to languages being spoken, even if I have no idea what’s being said. I find languages fascinating which is another reason why I love to study them.
5. I once seriously considered going to culinary school to become a pastry chef.

Part II: The Zombie Survival Guide

Part one of my zombie survival guide, which will focus on necessary skills for surviving zombie attacks–mainly skills you should work on acquiring now before the event of a zombie attack, robot uprising, and/or civilian revolution against a corrupt government, will be posted as soon as I type it. It’s written in my head, I swear. And it’s also made me realize how many of these skills I lack. I’ve never fired a gun and I can’t drive. I also need to start working out pronto. At least I can run fast, even in my current state.

Part III: Wisdom Teeth

I was supposed to have my wisdom teeth out ages ago because they are were impacted, but I only get a certain amount of money for my dental insurance annually. In years previous, I’ve needed cavities filled and root canals…canalled. And I simply did not want to have all four impacted wisdom teeth forcibly extracted from my face.

I finally got it done on the last day of November and ended up spending the next week in hell. Projectile vomiting isn’t as fun as it looks in The Exorcist. Dry socket wasn’t fun either. Boo crap dental insurance and wisdom teeth. Who decided those were a good idea?

Part IV: Erectile Disfunction

I keep getting spam on one specific entry about erectile disfunction except it’s in Italian so it’s really about disfunzione erettile.

Part V: MySpace Rants

I also have a post written up about my love/hate relationship with MySpace (in which I don’t love it at all, but grudgingly use it anyway). To post or not to post?

I can’t be the only one who has to use MySpace in order to find and keep up with old friends and hates every moment of it. MySpace makes my normally intelligent friends look like idiots who have no concept of aesthetics!

1. And thus begins a post with too many strikethroughs and footnotes. ↩
2. I just got reading glasses on top of my usual glasses. I forget to put them on and when I finally do put them on, I forget to take them off and don’t understand why I can’t see anything. They’re by Coach and that apparently means something. They’re also adorable. ↩
3. Except there’s no way I can afford to pay for 10% of a designer outfit. ↩